As we head into a General Election tougher to call than last orders at an Aussie wedding, Free United Kingdom Party leader The Pub Landlord is wooing the good people of South Thanet with the promise of cheaper beer and a common-sense commitment to restoring Britain’s lost hope and glory. Our ordinary punter gets under the skin of the bloke behind the pint.
As told to Mark Reynolds.
Is Britain ready for a plain-speaking, beer-drinking, fag-smoking populist leader with the common touch?
I think the time is right and the country demands it. We’ve had twenty years or so of slick plastic interchangeable mega-muppets, and someone who’s actually prepared to stand up and be an actual character has to be a good thing. And that’s me.
What was that Cameron thinking, saying he wouldn’t be up for a third term?
Well, he’s trying to let us know, subtly, that he’s not that keen on winning. After all, he’s made it pretty clear with his performance in the last five years what a dreadful job being PM is, so he surely wants out.
Is Ed Miliband too funny-looking to be Prime Minister?
Well, he’s certainly the most peculiar looking person I ever saw. But politicians need a gimmick these days, and he’s gone full gimmick by being really, really odd. You never know, it might work. I can’t imagine Vladimir Putin winning a staring contest with him.
What’s the point of the Green Party?
The Green Party are there to show us how far too far is. And the perils of relying on a solar-powered calculator for doing sums.
Which televised debate are you in again?
I was not allowed onto the televised debate. I’m the outsider candidate you see, the actual outsider not like all those other so-called outsiders who were on the inside. I was actually outside.
When is it all right for foreigners to come over here and nick our jobs?
Good question. If for instance they can do something British people can’t do. Like circus tricks or elephant taming. That kind of thing. Though maybe we need to work on the UK’s circus skills.
If we come out of the EU, can I still take my holidays in Torremolinos?
No. Places like Margate, Ramsgate, Broadstairs all need your custom and trade. By leaving Europe we will restrict foreign travel – well I say that, I expect we might find we aren’t as welcome as we have been, so we will need to holiday at home. These three places also by pure coincidence happen to be in my constituency (potential).
If it went the other way and we were forced to adopt the euro, who’d get all the pounds?
I’d hang on to them for safe keeping. In a safe.
Austerity. What’s that all about?
Who knows? It’s like the deficit. They’ve been banging on about that for five years now and I still don’t know what it is. No one does, least of all little George Osborne.
Can I vote for you if I don’t live in South Thanet?
No. You must know how it works…
Will you need a giant swing to get in?
A giant swing and a huge slide. But both are possible items of beer garden play furniture, so I’m not ruling it out.
Your publisher put your book out on 1 April. Are they having a laugh?
No, they’re deadly serious. April 1st is a day like any other day in the year.
Let’s Re-Great Britain by the Pub Landlord is published by Penguin in paperback and digital audiobook.
Mark Reynolds is a freelance editor and writer and a founding editor of Bookanista.