How it goes

YOU ARE SITTING on the living room floor, spooning strawberry yoghurt onto the carpet. On the carpet, an insect crawls.

Your mum asks what you’re doing even though it’s obvious what you’re doing – you’re spooning strawberry yoghurt onto the carpet where an insect crawls.

‘What are you doing?’ your mum asks. Her question is rhetorical but you don’t know the meaning of rhetorical, let alone how to identify something rhetorical.

‘I’m dying a spider,’ you say.

You’re three years old, and these are your first words. Your mum doesn’t react. She doesn’t look pleased or surprised. Instead, she gets up from the sofa and leaves the room, thinking about a book she has borrowed from the library – a book titled So Your Child Is a Psychopath. She is worried. Did you know you’ve worried your mum? Your first-ever sentence was a catastrophe. Did you know it was a catastrophe?

Let me explain. Firstly, that’s not a spider; the tiny creature on the carpet is a beetle. Not all tiny creatures are spiders. Calling a beetle ‘spider’ is a silly mistake. However, I can probably let this go.

After all, this kind of thing is common in the early stages of language acquisition. Children might call every insect ‘spider’, every female ‘mum’, and every spherical fruit ‘orange’. This phenomenon is called overextending. ¹ Overextending is just one of the reasons children are funny. And by funny, I mean strange and a little bit dim.

I don’t know if I can forgive your verb choice, though. ‘Dying’ is an intransitive verb that cannot be followed by a direct object such as ‘spider’. The verb you’re looking for is ‘kill’. You were supposed to say, ‘I’m killing a spider that is actually a beetle.’

But is ‘killing’ even the right word here? This beetle won’t necessarily be killed by the yoghurt globs. It will be maimed for sure, but killed? It might have been more apt to say: ‘I am trying to kill this spider that is actually a beetle, but maybe I’ll just maim it instead.’

I know having something wrong with you sounds scary, but don’t worry. At least, not for the time being.”

That said, I imagine your mum isn’t that worried about you overextending the odd noun or messing up the odd verb. I imagine she’s just worried you are a psychopath. Like many parents, she places undue weight on her child’s first words. She considers them a Very Significant Event. Your cousin’s first word was ‘moon’. This pleased your auntie. She thought it meant he would become a well-paid astrophysicist. ²

But now your mum is flicking through So Your Child Is a Psychopath and all she imagines for you is a short career as a vandal followed by a long stretch behind bars. Don’t worry too much. Parents are funny. And by funny, I mean strange and a little bit dim.

As it happens, I’m not dim. I’m a linguist ³, and as a very smart linguist, I can say your mum is right to be worried. There is something wrong with you. I know this for certain. Something is wrong with you. Something is wrong with you right now as you sit on the carpet still holding the yoghurt pot. The yoghurt pot is empty and the beetle is still. You are contemplating the beetle, which is still.

Stop contemplating the beetle. The beetle is so still, it is unlikely it will ever move again.

Look at me. I know you understand. Your vocabulary is enormous, or to be precise, your passive vocabulary is enormous and your active vocabulary is shite. I know having something wrong with you sounds scary, but don’t worry. At least, not for the time being.

Hey, stop crying. Would it help if I told you a story? I have a really great one up my sleeve. It’s all about you – everything you see and everything you do.

Sound good? Climb up here, Little Alien. Sit next to me. I will tell you about life on this planet. I will tell you how it goes.

¹ Under-extending happens too. Sometimes kids think the only orange in the world is the one they have just eaten and are baffled when there is more fruit by the same name.

² Your cousin’s first word was not a very significant event. He won’t be an astrophysicist or an astro-anything. He’s not so bright, that kid.

³ Linguists are language experts. They are people who know a lot about language. They are not necessarily people who know how to speak a lot of languages, or even people who know a lot about linguine, which is a type of pasta.

Further reading:
So Your Child Is a Psychopath

from Life Hacks For a Little Alien (riverrun, £16.99)

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Alice Franklin has an MA in Creative Writing from the University of East Anglia and lives and works in London. Life Hacks For a Little Alien, her debut novel, is published by riverrun in hardback, trade paperback, eBook and audio – read by Sally Phillips.
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